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I used to be (note the past tense) a compulsive overeater. I have identified the things that caused me to eat out of emotion and anxiety. I know now that I am safe, I am loved, I have everything I need to live life fully and vibrantly. I know that food is abundant and I can eat whenever I need to so I don’t have to eat it all NOW. I don’t have to stuff myself anymore, to soothe my ache, to feel full of something. I am dealing, and healing. I used to be a compulsive overeater. 

Yesterday was something altogether too complex to blog about off the cuff. We burried/creamated my mother’s mother. The private post i wrote yesterday was around alot of childhood issues that i have finally begun to address which all lead/led to the relationship with food that i used to have (emphasis on the past tense).

I feel soooo good today. Not that much has changed or that anything is different, the things I need to do better…they are still there. The things I need to work on…still need work. But I now know that food is no longer my master.

long story short: throughout the funeral when i got overwhelmed or anxious i just said to myself “you’re okay, you’re okay. be here now” and when all the food was laid out, the achilles heel of my life, i ate what i wanted and then when i felt i was going to keep eating, though i didn’t feel out of control, i just said to myself “eat what you want, you’re safe, there’s enough food here for you, you’re okay, you’re safe. if you are hungry later eat then.” and i….stopped! no struggle, no pain.

i had bought some fruit for myself as well which i still have (next morning) late last night i started to feel hungry, but i was also having a deep (and good) conversation with a friend and talking about some emotional stuff and i went to look at the room service menu. i was legitimately getting hungry, but fortunately they’d stopped service for the night.

i remembered i had fruit and was like if you’re really hungry, you’ll eat that. i laid down, and turned off the light and said “you’re okay, you’re safe, you have everything you need. there will be yummy food tomorrow” and i was okay.

i ordered steak and eggs w/ hashbrowns and toast for breakfast. the steak and eggs portion were small (by american standards) and I REJOICED. I ate what i wanted and said “you’re okay, you’re not hungry anymore, there’s more food later if you get hungry” and i didn’t finish the (already small) steak or the potatoes and didn’t eat any of the bread.

i’m done with dieting. i will eat what my body craves, when my body craves it. i’m okay, i’m safe, i have everything i need, i have love, and the food isn’t going to run out.


I don’t know where I *stole* this from, but it is fantastic in its comprehensive examination of what may/may not be personal barriers to getting more exercise and leading a more active lifestyle.

One of the things that has most recently become evident to me is that I LIKE spinning and I LIKE lifting, so they don’t feel so much like work to me anymore. They are more like hobbies now than “exercise.” I want to feel the same about karate, but I’m not there yet and of course I am wanting to fall in love with running but my schedule has been inconsistent at best with the snow/sleet outside.

I am filling my weekends with more active stuff like spinning, piano, karate, walking the dog, etc and trying to spend less time lying around eating and reading. Well, the reading part can stay! And despite the slow battle against the “lbs” I won’t quit because I love how I FEEL even if I’m still struggling with how I look. I’m also surrounding myself (easy to do in New England) with fit and active people who eat healthy and are full of energy. Josh plays 3 sports; Dawna loves to swim; Amy and Corey teach spin class, 1/2 my office does weight watchers or something therelike. So I have also begun changing who I associate with as well.

From the Centre for Disease Control and Prevention…

Overcoming Barriers to Physical Activity

“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” —Anonymous

Read the rest of this entry »

I stole this from lord knows where…but I love these little “reminders”; whether you agree or not, it is always good to have something “jog” your desire to improve yourself!

12 Ways to Change Your LIFE

6 hours ago ago by np.

12 ways to change your life Make bold changes!
You may feel at times that you are stuck in a rut, doing the same things week after week, or maybe even doing next to nothing at all. This may make you feel that it’s time to make a fresh start or consider changing certain things – so that you can begin to get the most out of life! The following guide gives you 25 top tips to change your life for the better – so get reading and plan some changes!

Travel the world
If it’s possible, then you should make sure you fit some travelling in. Okay, so you might not have the time or the funds to go on a round-the-world trip, but it certainly is a truism that ‘travel broadens the mind’. If you can’t manage that backpacking trip around the globe, then consider going to some far flung location where the experience will be totally different – perhaps even life-changing – rather than settling for the usual two weeks in the Costa-del-wherever.
Change job
If your job is getting you down, then change it. The only thing preventing you finding something that you’ll enjoy more is you. If only people could put as much energy into finding a new job as they do into moaning about it, then they could make a major change to their lives. Your workplace is where you spend a large proportion of your time, so it’s important to try and be as happy there as you can be.

Read the rest of this entry »

645am: Spinning

AWESOME class today! Amy taught again and we were dripping in sweat but had a great time.

I didn’t use my gel seat today! Yay! I’m a real spinner.
I also tried out some spin shoes that were in the studio and I kind of liked them, but kind of didn’t…so the jury is out on that!

My next issue is how to keep plugging away and stay working out 4x-6x per week and eating pretty clean over the holidays. I want to surround myself with active/healthy people and friends.

930am: eggs + bacon + coffee

12noon: banana + miso soup + tuna salad sandwich + chips

Treadmill: 48 mins (2.43 miles)

Arm Workout:
Bench Press 75 lbs x 8-12 reps x 3 sets
Tri Pushdowns 60/70 lbs x 10-12 reps x 3 sets
Lat Pulldowns 70lbs x 10-12 reps x 3 sets
Dumbell Bicep Curls (seated) 15lbs x 10-12 x 3 sets
IOWAS x 10lb x 10-15 reps x 3 sets

It has been a rough few weeks with the diet and exercise plan/routine. I hit a plateau, started nibbling more and making poorer choices and was exercising less and this all combined to make for a mental and physical plateau. The results haven’t been matching the effort (or the results that I want to see at least, lol).

I found myself overeating and realized that I was soothing myself! It was weird to be aware of that during the behavior and to realize that it worked for me in the past, but that it isn’t a long-term crutch that I want to revert to anymore.

The good news is that I am AWARE of what is going on with me more than ever before and I also realize that I have still made it to the gym 2-3/wk even in the midst of all of this. I also think that there’s alot more going on than just the weight battle. The weather is dark and cold, cold, cold. I haven’t seen the sun since…? That is hard for me. Also, work is ??? Not bad, but the people are what I love. The nature of what I’m doing isn’t all that engaging/stimulating so I have to push myself to do the details.

I met with my counselor today and we talked through all of this and then some and I came out of there and went home, changed and hit the gym hard. I don’t know why, but I’m just not going to give up. Actually I DO know why. Because I know how I felt when I got back from SAS. I was tired, lethargic, low energy and probably malnourished. I’m healthier today than I was 6, 9, 12 months ago and I don’t want to trade that away. Plus, I know that the laws of nature apply to me and though I can’t see it now, eat less+move more=weight loss, for EVERYONE, including me.

I’m BACK!! (and eating a salad and some soup. lol!)

Yesterday was kind of up and down emotionally. The good news is that I didn’t overeat, the bad news is my heart is a little broken 🙂 but I will be okay.

“There are no shortcuts in life or in love. This pain must be felt. The alternative is much worse. It’s what makes us special, what makes us beautiful, what makes us worthy; the pain of how we love. But that pain is accompanied by something else, isn’t it? Hope. With your pain, there is hope. And that is where you are. Somewhere between agony and optimism and prayer. So you’re human. You’re alive. And that is what we have.”

All that said, this was my horoscope today:

Aries March 21 – April 19

For Thursday, November 15 –As each day goes by, you have been learning a little more about someone you’ve recently met. Today you will get the final clue you need to evaluate your feelings. Do not be surprised if the road to romance takes a giant detour today — but it will be for the best, whatever happens. Your visions of the future are not always accurate, but they should always be hopeful. If you discover today that your hopes are not going to pan out, then get busy building up some new ones!

 So, even though I’m disappointed and a little sad, I’m ready to consider what is next for me. What do I want to do? I still have 7 months of this contract which I love and probably 10 months that I’ll stick around in NH. What do I want to do with that time and what do I want to do after that?


a. Lose 116 lbs (20 lbs down, 98 lbs to go!)

b. Deliver GREAT service to Tuck & MLT clients

c. Complete transition to highly active fitness lifestyle

d. Save $60,000

e. Leave NH in better physical, financial and emotion health than ever!

f. Relationship management: with clients, family and friends, but mostly with ME. Keep me #1.

I want to:

a) Love, love, love working out, lifting and increasing my fitness

b) Increase my self-confidence and self-esteem

c) Learn to play the Piano

d) Run 3-5 miles – 4x per week

e) Golf

f) Ride my motorcycle

g) Find Love

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Woke up hungry as all get out! I nibbled and snacked last night after the gym (slimfast Optima shake, lowfat string cheese and 3 peanut butter crackers). I need to ween my system off the white flour and fried breading it got this weekend and then my hunger will abate again I’m sure.  I need to snack “cleaner” and step up my cardio intensity. I got on the WW scale today and was down .2 lbs lol, which after a weekend of wine and fried chicken is OKAY with me! But I want to see some more drastic results, and last week, by the end of the week I could really FEEL that I was “smaller.”

So far today I’ve been eating clean, but I’m hungrier than I was last week.

830 am: coffee w/ skim and splenda + Banana

1145 am: Slimfast Optima (on the way to Weight Watchers!)

130 pm: Salad w/ grilled chicken (no boiled eggs, no cheese)

500pm: Slimfast Optima

900pm: Spinach w/ onions and chicken sausage (sauteed)

930pm: 2 Qhourn “chicken” nuggets (fake chicken)

I started my “cycle” this morning, so I’m glad in that it burns up tons of calories, but I also have to wear a white karate uniform….great! lol.

My Goals for this week:

Mon: Cardio + Weights (done!)

Tues: Karate (done!)

Weds: Spinning + Weights (or abs and push ups)

Thurs: Karate

Fri: Spinning

Sat: Cardio (Hard workout)

Sun: Rest

This morning I rested instead of going to the gym. I figured a double workout yesterday and the prospect of Karate tonight was good enough reason not to push it.

Workout Log:
730: Karate

I am not so worried about not being that hungry anymore. I spoke with a colleague who said maybe physically and psychologically my body is over the worst of the compulsive need to overeat. I’m going to claim this.

Food Log:
8am Breakfast: Rice Dream smoothie w/ blackberries & banana
1030 Snack: Eggs w/ Salsa & bacon
4pm Lunch: Italian Sausage soup (scooped out most of the pasta) & small salad
6pm Cocktail hour (lol): chips and salsa w/ the works + 7 chicken strips

I know I need to clean up my eating to bust out of the 260’s and down into the 250’s. I’ve been open to trying new activities and I am also working on being consistent and going even when I don’t “feel” like it.

I left work at 3pm today and went to the local bike shop and got a padded bike seat for my spinning class ($18 and if it works, it’ll be worth every damn dime).

I bought the pass to formally join the spinning class and tried to join the local gym. The pass wasn’t a problem but the gym pass was, I’ll have to finagle some stuff tomorrow. I question joining another gym, but it is closer to the house in case its too bad for me to drive to RVC, and it has an indoor track and basketball courts which will come in handy when it gets cold (or I should say colder).

I STILL haven’t ordered my treadmill. Mainly b/c I don’t drive to work and I need my car to get over to Lebanon to get to Sears and I usually don’t slow down that much until well after 8pm.

The spin class ends December 18th. But now I also need to decide if I am going to commit to Karate. It’s $100/mo. and honestly the money itself isn’t the problem, its that I don’t want to commit to something and not follow through. It has been 3 classes and I do like it. Some stuff is definitely hard at my weight and physical conditioning, but everyone has been wonderful and says to just relax and have fun.

The other thing is that I miss my weight training this week. I haven’t worked the weights since saturday.

I found a great list of quotes on why runners run here. Check it out for some inspiration.

This one is one of my favorites:
A winner is someone who sets their goals, commits themselves to those goals and then pursues their goals with all the ability that is given to them. That requires someone who believes in themselves, who will make self sacrifices, work hard, and maintain the determination to perform at the best of their ability.
– C. Leeman Bennett

And one more reason to love Scott Adams, creator of Dilbert:

Why aren’t you signed up for the 401K?
I’d never be able to run that far!

Thought Provoking:

My feeling is that any day I am too busy to run is a day that I am too busy
 – John Bryant

July 2019
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