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I used to be (note the past tense) a compulsive overeater. I have identified the things that caused me to eat out of emotion and anxiety. I know now that I am safe, I am loved, I have everything I need to live life fully and vibrantly. I know that food is abundant and I can eat whenever I need to so I don’t have to eat it all NOW. I don’t have to stuff myself anymore, to soothe my ache, to feel full of something. I am dealing, and healing. I used to be a compulsive overeater. 

Yesterday was something altogether too complex to blog about off the cuff. We burried/creamated my mother’s mother. The private post i wrote yesterday was around alot of childhood issues that i have finally begun to address which all lead/led to the relationship with food that i used to have (emphasis on the past tense).

I feel soooo good today. Not that much has changed or that anything is different, the things I need to do better…they are still there. The things I need to work on…still need work. But I now know that food is no longer my master.

long story short: throughout the funeral when i got overwhelmed or anxious i just said to myself “you’re okay, you’re okay. be here now” and when all the food was laid out, the achilles heel of my life, i ate what i wanted and then when i felt i was going to keep eating, though i didn’t feel out of control, i just said to myself “eat what you want, you’re safe, there’s enough food here for you, you’re okay, you’re safe. if you are hungry later eat then.” and i….stopped! no struggle, no pain.

i had bought some fruit for myself as well which i still have (next morning) late last night i started to feel hungry, but i was also having a deep (and good) conversation with a friend and talking about some emotional stuff and i went to look at the room service menu. i was legitimately getting hungry, but fortunately they’d stopped service for the night.

i remembered i had fruit and was like if you’re really hungry, you’ll eat that. i laid down, and turned off the light and said “you’re okay, you’re safe, you have everything you need. there will be yummy food tomorrow” and i was okay.

i ordered steak and eggs w/ hashbrowns and toast for breakfast. the steak and eggs portion were small (by american standards) and I REJOICED. I ate what i wanted and said “you’re okay, you’re not hungry anymore, there’s more food later if you get hungry” and i didn’t finish the (already small) steak or the potatoes and didn’t eat any of the bread.

i’m done with dieting. i will eat what my body craves, when my body craves it. i’m okay, i’m safe, i have everything i need, i have love, and the food isn’t going to run out.


645am: Spinning

 GREAT workout this a.m. My favorite instructor taught again. It was hard core, balls to the walls! And the music was good!

Unfortunately last night was a diet disaster. So in 2 weeks I have had two “pizza hut” incidents and two “sub sandwhich” incidents. LOL. The good thing about last night though was that I couldn’t finish the sandwhich, fries, wings and I just didn’t FEEL good after I ate what I did.  I slept funky, was over full, woke up feeling heavy and felt it during my workout.

So…I’ve decided that to have a physique like Desiree Ficker I am willing to go without potatoes and meat. The two times I’ve lost weight in the past I was basically “pescaterian” wherein I ate fish and seafood but no other meat. I also ate dairy and eggs which I won’t give up. I’ve decided to have 6 days per year that I’ll indulge in beef/chicken/pork: My birthday; memorial day; 4th of July; labor day; thanksgiving and Christmas. This helps me control portions, avoid sub sandwhiches and the bread they come with (except subway’s seafood sub!).

I’ll continue to eat eggs, because I LOVE them and because they are awesome protein. I’ll keep you posted on how this journey goes. I believe I can live with this for life.

I am DONE with that. I just don’t like how I feel with the dirty “fuel” in my tank. Fortunately I did get to spin class today and will lift tonite and spin/lift Saturday and run on Sunday.

I’m also thinking about signing up for the Run for Kids 5k on May 12th. This might be a good target and the route is pretty easy and I can train on it since it is close (literally right out the front door of where I work).

645am: Spinning

AWESOME class today! Amy taught again and we were dripping in sweat but had a great time.

I didn’t use my gel seat today! Yay! I’m a real spinner.
I also tried out some spin shoes that were in the studio and I kind of liked them, but kind of didn’t…so the jury is out on that!

My next issue is how to keep plugging away and stay working out 4x-6x per week and eating pretty clean over the holidays. I want to surround myself with active/healthy people and friends.

930am: eggs + bacon + coffee

12noon: banana + miso soup + tuna salad sandwich + chips

I am really proud of the way I worked out, stuck to the plan and ate pretty clean today.

Workout Log:

645am: Spinning
630pm: Karate

I love this pic (no, it isn’t me..yet!). Today was a GREAT day. Not that anything has changed good, bad or otherwise, but my attitude just seems to have adjusted back to positive after a couple of “blah” weeks.

I hit spin class today and it was a good workout. I now have to factor in de-icing my windows into my time frame for the 645am class, but today wasn’t too bad. The music was “off” again for me, lots of 80’s and 90’s rock type stuff, better than last time, but not inspirational. I guess you can’t have it all!

I felt invogorated after spin class but also sore from Sunday’s heavy lifting session. I can feel my biceps and triceps for sure. They’re buried under flab, but they are in there!

I had to force myself to go to karate. It is no longer “novel” its now “work” and I found my attention wandering the last two weeks also hard to motivate myself when “blah” but my goal is to make it through Christmas and if I don’t like it, then I’ll move on to something else or just fill in with spin/run/lift. Tonight was hard, the crunches, the calisthenics, the kata…but I still felt like I had pushed myself and learned something after class. That is what I have to remember on those days that I want it to be easy. I learned the first Konshin Kata and have 3 more to go. The good news is that the footwork for the next three are the same, it is the blocks/punches that change. I have a private lesson with one of my favorite Senpei on Friday night to go over the other piece that I’ve been working on.

I’m trying to decide if I want to do spin on Tuesday or Treadmill train. I need to be careful that I don’t overdo it and injur myself and end up back on the bench. I also need to work on doing more weight training on my lower body.

My goals for this week:

Sunday: cardio (done!) + lift (done!)

Monday: Spin (done!) + karate (done!)

Tuesday: Karate + Cardio

Weds: Spin + Lift

Thurs: Karate

Friday: Spin + Karate (private tutoring)

Saturday: Spin or Karate + Lift or Cardio

Food Log:

8am: Large Coffee w/ Skim
930 am: Large Coffee w/ Skim
10am: Fruit w/ little cottage Cheese
11am: Slimfast Shake
1240: Salad w/ Tuna + grilled chicken (one onion ring!)
2pm: 1 choc chip cookie (this was hard!)
545pm: turkey + broccoli (light, pre-karate)
845pm: small piece of steak + broccoli (not much)

lol. I don’t think I’ve not worked out this long in a while, which in itself is a bit of a milestone. Last week was just kind of “blah” all around. I did enjoy turkey day with the family, but two days of traveling (weds/sat) left two days of sitting around–for some reason totally unmotivated–and chowing down.  The good news is that I never sat down and just went crazy. I did eat a lot, but I grazed all day. The biggest things were stuffing and sweets which I rarely have in my normal day to day.

I hit the gym today after getting back to NH at 10pm last night. I tried something different with the cardio circuit that I read in Muscle & Fitness HERS. Basically I took two exercises and did them back to back then did another 2, etc. I did 3 groups of exercises and 7 different forms altogether. This was tough and harder to push through than my circuit. Plus I added a couple of forms that I haven’t been doing. I can tell I’ve lost some stregnth ground, but I’m psyched up to get it back and keep moving. I’m still stronger than I was last month or 90 days ago. I have to remember to give myself my “star” lol.

The scale at home is holding in the 259/260 range, I’m hoping that I’ve been burning calories more efficiently due to my weightloss and muscles and that its not muscle atrophy + fat gain!

Workout Log: [I am liking the cardio split still, keeps my workout ADD in check!]

Treadmill: 32 mins 1.53 miles (3.0-3.4 at 3.0 incline)


Bench Press 30lbs x 8 reps x 3 sets; 25lbs x 8 reps x 1 set

Bicep Curls (standing) 30lbs x 12 reps x 1 set; 40lbs x 8 reps x 2 sets, 30 lbs x 8 r x 1 set

Cable Pressdown 60lbs x 15 x 1 rep; 70 lbs x 10 reps x 2 sets; 70 lbs x 12 reps x 1 set

Skull Crushers 30 lbs x 12 x 1 set; 30lbs x 8 reps x x 3 sets

Close Grip Bench Press 30 lbs x 12 x 1 set; 30lbs x 8 reps x 3 sets

Dumbell Flye 12 lbs x 10 r x 2 sets;  8 lbs x 15 r x 1 set; 10 lbs x 10 r x 1 set

Lat Dumbell Raises 8 lbs x 10 r x 3 sets; 10 lbs x 10 r x 1 set

Treadmill: 22 mins: 1 mile

Food Log:

I didn’t eat pre-workout (not hungry) but at 11:15, about 3/4 of the way through my lifting I was running out of steam: Slimfast

1:30pm: small piece chilean sea bass + small serving of green beans + small scrambled eggs and 2 small pcs bacon (sounds like alot, but it all fit on one of those salad/dessert plates).

4:45pm: apple sauce cup + Dole fruit cocktail cup

6:50pm: mini bag of 94% fat free popcorn

I was feeling a bit “off” emotionally, but I couldn’t put my finger on why. I wasn’t in the mood to hang out or talk to anyone so I just chilled out. I think I’m starting to wonder what I will do next. Will this contract last until May? Will I travel after that or stick around? Do I even want to travel long term again right away?

I think it is time for me to set some more concrete goals, as well as apply everything I’ve learned the last couple of years (or in a lifetime) to all the areas of my life but not sacrifice my number one goal of my physical health. I also came to a huge realization about how I approach tough situations and things that take a long time to manifest (i.e. weight loss) and I know I have to stick it out and try to make it as much fun as possible and make it a lifestyle change. I haven’t been 100% into karate in a few weeks and part of me is like “its taking away time from running/lifting” and part of me is like “uh, you haven’t been running/lifting more when you’re not at karate so….” My goal this week is to give karate my 100% attention while I’m there and just enjoy it. It isn’t a competition, I’m getting in shape, fellowshiping w/ cool people and getting more fit in general since it uses much different muscles and movements.

My goals for this week:

Sunday: cardio + lift (done!)

Monday: Spin + karate

Tuesday: Karate + Cardio

Weds: Spin + Lift

Thurs: Karate

Friday: Spin + Karate (private tutoring)

Saturday: Spin or Karate + Lift or Cardio

Whew. Damn I needed a good workout. I was not surprised that my lifting strength has decreased a little since it has been about 2 weeks; but I was surprised that my cardiovascular fitness is pretty good! Must be the spinning and karate! I hopped on the treadmill expecting to be huffing and puffing but jogged 16 out of 20 minutes at 3.0-3.3 pace at 2.0 incline. It felt great. My mood is definitely improved.

Stepmill: 30 minutes

Weight lifting:

Bench Press 20 lbs x 4  sets; 30 lbs x 1 set

Tri pulldown 40 lbs x 1 set; 50 lbs x 3 sets

Biceps curl: 30 lbs x 1 set; 40 lbs x 3 sets

Skull Crushers 30 lbs x 1 set; 40 lbs x 3 sets

Closed Grip Bench Press 30 lbs x 1 set; 40 lbsx x 3 sets

Lat Pulldown 50 lbs x 1 set; 60 lbs x 3 sets

Treadmill: 20 mins (nice jog at 3.0 w/ 2.0 incline)

Food Log:

10am: 1/2 Light & Fit Smoothie (70 calories)

1pm: Weight Control Oatmeal + 2 veggie sausage patties

145pm: 4 tortilla chips w/ salsa + 1 string cheese


Goals for the Week (this will be interesting since its Thanksgiving week and I’ll be traveling!)

Sunday: Spin + Lift (legs)

Mon: Spin + Karate

Tues: Spin + Run

Weds: Spin or Run + Lift

Thurs: walk

Fri: walk

so, uhm, I didn’t work out yesterday. I was still fighting off something and decided to go to the gospel concert and get some other work done.  This morning I woke up at like 415am and couldn’t go back to sleep! But I did get up and get moving.

645am: Spinning

Class was GREAT today. I really worked hard and sweated it out! I’m tired as hell now, my eyes feel like sandpaper, but I’m hanging in there. I’m even considering skipping karate to do the 6pm spin class at my OTHER gym and then lifting. I really am missing lifting, so I need to work it into my schedule to keep burning the fat. My neck is also not 100% better, but seems okay enough to workout for now.

I also went to the sporting good store and got:

8 pair new socks. I love the underarmour socks and mine keep getting eaten by the dryer or the sock monster?

1 long-sleeve underarmour dri-fit shirt (white)

1 dri-fit undertights (to go out in cold in under thin jog pants)

2 ear covers dri-fit

1 yoga mat for doing push-ups and crunches in my bedroom

this shite is NOT cheap. So I hope I like it or I’m taking it BACK! I also saw ice skates for $70.00 so yes, another damn thing to think about!

Food log

745am: X Large Coffee w/ Skim

10am: eggs w/ salsa and bacon + large coffee w/ half and half

Goal today:

karate or spin  + lift

My Goals for this week:

Sun: Spin + Lift (x didn’t do either!)

Mon: Spinning (done)+ Karate + Lift

Tues: Spin + Karate

Weds: Spinning + Lift

Thurs: Spin + Karate

Fri: Spinning

Sat: Spin + Lift

Sun: Spin

Damn it felt good to work up a sweat today. I have truly missed working out. Wow. I guess I really am changing and becoming an athlete again. It’s like I’m craving being in shape now!

Step Mill Machine: 40 mins
Karate Class: 60 mins

I was feeling run down most of the week, but I decided to push myself this morning. My neck still hurts too, but I just can’t take being out of the gym and not being active anymore. The step mill felt great and karate was a lot of fun.

I also realized that my main gym has spinning classes 7 days a week! The class I’m taking now is at Dartmouth undergrad M, W, F and I’d love to do some spinning on the weekends! Yay!

I gave myself 2 stars today and I’m planning to hit the spin class and lift tomorrow.

Food log:

10am: Slimfast shake
1230pm: Bowl of Weight Watchers Oatmeal

I read an article yesterday that also confirmed what I was feeling, gotta cut those sodas out. I haven’t had much in the last few months but the last week I’ve been sucking them down. Even the diet ones aren’t good for you! Back to the H2O!

My Goals for this week:

Sun: Spin + Lift

Mon: Spinning + Karate

Tues: Spin + Karate

Weds: Spinning + Lift

Thurs: Spin + Karate

Fri: Spinning

Sat: Spin + Lift

Sun: Spin

645am: Spinning 45 minutes

Damn that felt great. There’s a guy in our spin class who always leaves a puddle of sweat under his bike after each session. Today, I was right there with him. Maybe not as prolific but drips on the floor and bike indeed. It felt wonderful to be active.

I also thought: Wow, maybe I’ll sign up for more than one spin class in the spring…a sure sign that I’m delirious. I am ready to get my diet and exercise on track after last week. I am traveling the next several days but will take my workout clothes. I’m itching to lift and run. Feels good.

Food Log:

900am: 1 egg+ 2 egg whites + monterey jack cheese + 2 vegetarian sausage patties

645am: Spinning

I wasn’t that into it this morning. I felt like I couldn’t really get into the groove. I’m still glad that I went. Might have needed more water after sitting in the sauna for 25 mins on Sunday though I tried to hydrate well last night. The sauna (plus wine) did contribute to a good deep sleep! I was in the bed by 1030pm and asleep before 1115pm I’m sure, I woke up naturally at 530am and felt pretty good.

I also stepped on the scale and the snacking is catching up with me. I need to cool it and break into the 250’s. I’m contemplating hitting the gym tonite, but I have two work functions after 5pm so karate and cardio are probably out. I need to be sure I’m getting enough rest and letting my body rest even though I feel like I want to “push” forward. I don’t want to get hurt or burnt out.  WW meeting is tomorrow :-0

I still got my “star” for today! It might be a good night to run outside (though it is cold) since I have karate tomorrow night and I could recover for 24 hours.

8am: Rice Dream smoothie w/ berries+banana and whey protein (8oz)

1045: Scrambled eggs w/ salsa + bacon/sausage

May 2018
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