Not sure what is going on, but I’ve been waking in the middle of the night lately and then not able to go back to sleep. Part of it is trying to get a good temperature to sleep in. I’m used to it being pretty chilly and there’s no A/C here in NH. It is getting nippy at night though so I usually leave my fan on high in the window and that definitely helps. I’ve been making myself stay up until at least 11pm and I think I’m generally well rested, which means I only need about 6-7 hours sleep max.

I think the whole thing with “the crush” might be part of it, watching a daydream wither and this one hit me hard for some reason that I can’t explain. I’ve had work on my mind, family stuff and feeling generally like this weight loss project is going to take a loooonnnnng time, and I have to keep my head in the game for the long haul. I also realized that my outside doesn’t match my inside. How I view myself and the reality of my physicality are wildly different and I want them to be the same, hence…Operation Best Shape of My Life (OBSOML). 

It is also hard to acknowledge that for all my loveable qualities on the inside, the outside may be preventing anyone from taking a chance. Beyond that, my mojo is GONE, because of the lack of confidence. Anyone who knows me would probably be shocked, actually I’M shocked because I’ve always loved my confidence. I guess there’s the fear that I will never be attractive (more to myself than to others) and losing the weight is to me the last piece of that puzzle (or the first depending on how you look at it).

I am trying to console myself with the idea that I’m trying to become what I want to attract: emotionally, spiritually, financially, mentally and physically healthy. That until I FEEL beautiful on the outside, I won’t truly FEEL beautiful on the inside and that confidence is necessary to build a healthy relationship.

Finally, I guess all this is really coming out because I’m not traveling like I have been. When on the road or prepping for vagabonding, romance is the last thing on my mind. Now that I’m somewhat settled until at least May 2008, I guess I’m realizing I’m human and want someone to boo up with! 

So here’s to hoping that tonite’s slumber is deep, restful and recuperative and that my a.m. run is strong and endorphin producing!