I used to be (note the past tense) a compulsive overeater. I have identified the things that caused me to eat out of emotion and anxiety. I know now that I am safe, I am loved, I have everything I need to live life fully and vibrantly. I know that food is abundant and I can eat whenever I need to so I don’t have to eat it all NOW. I don’t have to stuff myself anymore, to soothe my ache, to feel full of something. I am dealing, and healing. I used to be a compulsive overeater.
Yesterday was something altogether too complex to blog about off the cuff. We burried/creamated my mother’s mother. The private post i wrote yesterday was around alot of childhood issues that i have finally begun to address which all lead/led to the relationship with food that i used to have (emphasis on the past tense).
I feel soooo good today. Not that much has changed or that anything is different, the things I need to do better…they are still there. The things I need to work on…still need work. But I now know that food is no longer my master.
long story short: throughout the funeral when i got overwhelmed or anxious i just said to myself “you’re okay, you’re okay. be here now” and when all the food was laid out, the achilles heel of my life, i ate what i wanted and then when i felt i was going to keep eating, though i didn’t feel out of control, i just said to myself “eat what you want, you’re safe, there’s enough food here for you, you’re okay, you’re safe. if you are hungry later eat then.” and i….stopped! no struggle, no pain.
i had bought some fruit for myself as well which i still have (next morning) late last night i started to feel hungry, but i was also having a deep (and good) conversation with a friend and talking about some emotional stuff and i went to look at the room service menu. i was legitimately getting hungry, but fortunately they’d stopped service for the night.
i remembered i had fruit and was like if you’re really hungry, you’ll eat that. i laid down, and turned off the light and said “you’re okay, you’re safe, you have everything you need. there will be yummy food tomorrow” and i was okay.
i ordered steak and eggs w/ hashbrowns and toast for breakfast. the steak and eggs portion were small (by american standards) and I REJOICED. I ate what i wanted and said “you’re okay, you’re not hungry anymore, there’s more food later if you get hungry” and i didn’t finish the (already small) steak or the potatoes and didn’t eat any of the bread.
i’m done with dieting. i will eat what my body craves, when my body craves it. i’m okay, i’m safe, i have everything i need, i have love, and the food isn’t going to run out.